Welcome to The Broken Butterfly Wing blog!
A place where I can share my thoughts going through the healing process of sexual assault in hopes to build a community with others.
My name is Crystal and I was raped about 13 years ago. I was attending a church that offered personal coaching with a trainer who was certified to coach spiritually, emotionally, and physically. After some failed reassurance from people that I reached out to, I found myself trapped in a web that I couldn’t get out of. He started with taking pictures of me stretching claiming the pictures were for a book that he was writing. It then proceeded to him inappropriately touching me, which then led to him raping me, multiple times. No matter how many times I told him I didn’t want to do what he wanted me to do, he never took no for an answer, and used God and the people close to me at the time to make me do what he wanted me to do. He used a gun a couple of times to intimidate me. He would drive me out to the middle of no where and rape me in the open of the back of his car.
After almost a year of this abuse I was completely drained and couldn’t take it anymore. I got to the point where I didn’t care what the consequences were, I just needed out. So, I told one of the pastors at the church and they ended up kicking him out.
The head pastor, who was female, told me she had been sleeping with him too. As much as she said she was sorry and she was there for me, she treated me as if I was the other woman. No one, besides a handful of people at the church, knew what happened. Even my parents. My pastor practically begged me not to tell anyone, not even to report it to the police. So I was alone trying to figure out this new life of mine on my own. The pain was so bad, I almost left everything to hit the streets and just die. But I gathered myself and kept trying to do life.
Ten years later, I was just having a really hard time. I wasn’t feeling like myself, everything was hard. I decided to seek out therapy and expected to talk about my current situations, but was I wrong. I opened up and told my story and I realized that I never healed. I have always thought the abuse was my fault. The last three years, I have been going through the process of healing. It has been really hard. Not having to go through the rape once, but to go through it multiple times just by talking about it, is really hard. The difference now is I am not alone and I am safe.
I named my blog The Broken Butterfly Wing because three years ago I was a caterpillar crawling through life. Going to therapy and doing the work that it involves, I have changed and grown so much going through this painful process. I am learning that I am always going to have the affects of the abuse, I may have broken pieces that can make things a little harder, but it is not going to inhibit me from flying.
This process can feel lonely at times, even if you have the best support group. Sometimes just hearing someone else’s story and being able to relate to their pain helps with feeling as if we are not alone. So, this blog is here for anyone who just needs a reminder that they are not alone.
My Latest Posts
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- Black & White & ColorThe brain responds to trauma very intelligently. It reacts in ways that helps the person cope with what they are going through. The brain switches to survival mode and everything…
- PurityWhen we are children we have dreams of what career we want, when we want to get married and when we want to have kids. Maybe we have goals of…
- The 4 Letter WordWhy is the truth so hard to admit sometimes? Ego? Pain? Perfectionism? Fear? It just seems like it’s easier to act like somethings just didn’t happen. Like when we trip…
- The Needy Inner ChildHave you ever felt like there was a pain inside of you that would not go away no matter what you did? It just makes you feel sad and empty.…
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